Caught
by bigblueboat
Summary: Running a finger across the Sharpie sprawled along his collarbone, Bella whispers, "Blackmailing you into wild monkey sex at Central Park has got to be the best decision I've made all week." When NYPD drag Bella and Edward out of Central Park, Rose takes it upon herself to dish out advice. AU. Written for Hummingbird's birthday.


**Disclaimer**: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original plot is the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

Running a finger across the Sharpie sprawled along his collarbone, Bella whispers, "Blackmailing you into wild monkey sex at Central Park has got to be the best decision I've made all week."

"Emmett is going to have a field day with this."

"They went through how many houses? And he is the screamer. I still shudder every time I think about it. There are just some things you shouldn't know about your brother. Anyway, he should be proud. I learned from the best – keep things fresh and explore new territory! Besides, _we_ didn't destroy any structures."

Edward tries to hide his smile. "How badly do you think I'm going to have to plead with Carlisle to make this situation go away?"

"Stop worrying. If I've figured out anything from Emmett, things always have a way of working themselves out. And you know no one can resist my innocent puppy face."

"Exactly! That means I'm going to get all the blame for getting us arrested!"

Rolling her eyes at Edward's childish outcry, Bella tries to figure out how long it will be before they are busted out of jail. "Hey, do you still have the marker? I'm bored and feel like embracing more of my inner artist."

Edward picks up some odd thoughts from the homeless man sharing the cell. He slides further away from the man as he reaches into his pocket and slips the marker through the bars separating the two holding cells. Before he can return his hand to his side, Bella grabs it and contemplates how to decorate his fingers and forearm. As she uncaps the pen, she mumbles under her breath, "More music? No, not gangster enough. Maybe some obscenities along the knuckles…"

From the corner of her eye, Bella notices as Edward slightly adjusts himself on the bench. Licking her lips, she glances up at Edward with mirth leaking from her eyes. "Why do I get the feeling that this is turning you on more than the park?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about. If I recall, both of us were only starting to reach our peak before the police stopped us. You should be just as bothered at this point as I am."

"Alice warned me while I was still planning that we would be interrupted. She said it would still be worth it."

"You knew we'd be interrupted! Why would you possibly still want to make love in the park, then?"

Bella sighs. "Edward, you need to learn to take more risks. Not everything is going to end how you want it to. Sometimes it is more important to share an experience with me that we can laugh at in a hundred years than to plan every second of our lives long before we get to live them. How can you not understand that?"

Realizing that this was not going in the direction he had hoped, Edward quickly changes subjects. "Don't think I didn't notice that you haven't helped me figure out a way to get back on Carlisle's and Esme's good side."

Putting the last mark on the fancy F on Edward's first finger, Bella shrugs. "There shouldn't be anything to grovel about. I'm sure Alice has already taken care of everything. How else do you think she managed to convince me to go to Milan with her this year?"

Before he can respond, he notices Rosalie's mind enter the precinct. Listening to Rose's gleeful thoughts, Edward can't help but relax and plan a quick getaway from his drunken cell companion.

A few minutes later, Rose meanders in to the holding area, tips her head forward, and looks at the couple over the rims of her sunglasses. "Come on, lovebirds. We need to have a little talk about how to _not_ get caught by the fuzz while in the act. Esme won't let you back in the house otherwise.

"Don't bother collecting your belongings yet. You should suffer the ogling of passersby while I get some fun out of this."

She pushes her glasses back up her nose and returns to the front of the police station.

* * *

Sitting in the back seat of the Jeep in front of the police station, Rose makes sure to take up the entire bench, leaving her brother and sister-in-law leaning against the roll bar. Edward and Bella share a look of horror when they notice the evil glint in Rose's eyes.

"Now, boy and girl, we are here to make sure this isn't a repeated offense. In the future, if you feel the urge to partake of each other out in nature, make sure to do it at night in a secluded area – one where people won't happen upon you ripping each other's clothes off."

Edward isn't one to let a fictitious point get by. "We were fully clothed! I _know_ the report is written up that way! Don't go blowing things out of proportion. Do you really believe I would let the world see my wife nude?"

Used to his prudish ways, his sister forges ahead. "Once you have found the perfect, hidden location, make sure to keep your screams at a decibel the average human can't hear."

Trying to keep up the bad-boy image gawkers currently view, Edward murmurs, "Notice she didn't say anything about other vampires. She really is an exhibitionist at heart." A bit softer, he interrupts Rose's flow. "At least we had the decency not to blind salamanders."

"Huh?"

A chuckle escapes Edward's mouth. "The last time all of us went to visit Maggie, Siobhan and Liam, we went to the Reptile Village. Emmett decided that the amphibians needed some visual stimulation to encourage them to breed – there was a sign stating that they were trying out a new breeding program."

Bella, still a bit confused, asks, "Why would you guys be interested in going to a reptile zoo?"

Rose, never one to shy away from her sexual exploits, responds evenly, "It was sunny out, and the zoo is mostly indoors. Besides, Ireland isn't known for its shopping, and I like to think it is important for us to do things as a family."

Bella snorts. "Explain to me how having sex with Emmett in public is 'doing things as a family'?"

Rosalie can't help the sneer that crosses her face. "Maintaining a strong connection with you mate gives you the foundation to fight with your siblings knowing you will still have someone to aim the fire extinguisher when everyone else wants to set you on fire."

After taking a deep breath, she presses on. "Getting back to today's lecture: don't forget about dogs – those nasty little balls of fur will grab the attention of the closest human, dragging them over to investigate. From what I can tell, that is what destroyed this attempt. You should already know that people like to walk their mutts through Central Park at all hours of the day.

"Lastly, don't ever, under any circumstances, knock over a tree in a prominent park! All of the giant vegetation is marked on Google Maps! That is what Alice had to pay the largest fees on. By the way, how did you get her to pay for this bailout?"

Bella just smirks. Rose gives a small sigh and decides it will be information better gathered without the mind-reader anywhere near them.

Edward, wanting to keep their one unfortunate pine in proportion, retorts, "Give me a break. How many trees did you pummel that last week when you threw a hissy fit over a broken heel on your Jimmy Choos?"

Rose silently counts down from ten and continues on, looking directly at Bella. "What made you think destruction of public property was a good idea? One would believe that being born recently means you would be more conscious of global warming. You should go plant a forest of trees to make up for the lack of oxygen that single, ancient tree was going to create in its lost years.

"Seriously, go purchase a few houses, plant a forest around them, and get the destruction out of your systems. It worked wonders for Emm and me. Now we only demolish one every fifteen years!

"Oh, and be careful of hot tubs. They aren't as strong as the retailers claim. Lecture over. You can retrieve your blanket, jackets and scrap of lace from the front desk before we leave."

Edward rolls his eyes and hops out of the vehicle. Just as Bella lands besides him, she winks at Rosalie and starts skipping back toward the front doors.

Not willing to let Bella think she had the last word, Rose stands up, moves to the front of the Jeep, and shouts, "Bella, next time try crotchless panties – one less thing to try and grab while planning your escape on foot."

* * *

A/N: Happy birthday Hummingbird! I took off my beta hat and put on a writer's cap just for you. This is what came out from a prompt she sent my way.

Thanks to Sri and Tiramisue84 for pre-reading and brainstorming with me. Special thanks to marnicolibri for beta'ing.


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